You Are Not Alone
You are not alone!
Every moment of every day you are the one person who is with you...have you ever allowed that to count for anything?
Have you been using this for you or against you?
Personally, when I first truly acknowledged this, it began to change everything. I was the only one who truly knows what I am going through. I am the only one who has been through every moment of everything I have been through...why would I expect others to understand what is difficult or haunting me about any of it?
This is the moment I made the choice to become my own best friend. This is the moment I took the first step to providing from myself what I wish I was getting from people around me...and was not. Instead of resenting others for not getting me, instead of being angry that others were not doing what I required to feel nurtured and cared for - I started BEING it for me.
I chose to embrace all of me, all that I had been ever through.
First thing...I started letting go of everything I was making wrong about me and what I had been through. I started letting go of all that I was holding onto in making other people wrong for their choices and how they had been with me. It was not about forgiving. It was about letting it go. Not dwelling on it. Not making it so meantingful and significant. Truly, deeply, letting it go. Moving on. Not from burying it, not from dismissing it....from looking all the ugly things in the face - about me and about other people - and choosing to not make it wrong any more.
This was a process. This was not choose once and done. This was a daily practice. Every time I wanted to go to wrongness of me or anyone else, I would be present with it, all of it...everything it felt like, every point of view I had about me with regard to it, all those familiar thoughts, feelings and emotions I had about what I was making wrong....and let it go.
I realized when I am making me wrong, it did not change anything. When I am making me wrong, no one else notices. Making me wrong was not creating anything other than beating myself up internally. I had enough.
Sure, I could find every reason and justification for why it is right to make myself wrong. I could find all the evidence in the world for why I was wrong. Great. Now what? What was it creating to hold onto that? Nothing enjoyable about living, that was for sure!
No one was making me do it. I was the one enforcing the wrongness of me, and the righteousness of how other people had wronged me...and that was getting me where? That was creating what? Time to choose again.
The weirdest part of it all is I had to admit I was really good at making me wrong. Man, could I judge the crap out of me! I also had to admit, when I started to change this, it was not comfortable. I was so familiar with making me wrong at almost every turn...the practice of letting it go, of stopping making me wrong...it left me feeling raw and naked in the world. Uncharted territory of how to be in the world, how to be with other people. I always knew right where I stood when I was making me wrong.
I realized I had to be willing to go forth into the unknown of how to be with myself and with others - and find out by choosing it!
Now, years later after a very long time of practice I can laugh at it all. Wow was I a bitch to me...even that is not a wrongness now. It is an acknowledgment of what I had been choosing. Now I live with my best friend called "me" who does the best she can with who she is right now! The one who keeps going on the journey of becoming who I would like to be no longer requires wrongness as a compass for choosing. Today it is not about the wrongness, it is about "what would I like to choose today?" and "Who would I like to be in this moment?" ..,Now that ten seconds is up, who would I like to be now?
What if, truly, everything you have ever been or done is not a judgable offense? What if it is just what you chose? What if you stopped looking at it through the lens of wrongness and instead started to look at what that choice created?
We actually choose to define ourselves as wrong, as F**ked up, as unchangable, as "this is just who I am," as the accumulation of our experiences in life - what if it isn't? What if our past experiences do not define us at all? What if it is only our choices that make us who we are now and in the future. What if the past has no significance except what we hold onto, define and create? What we judge kills all possibility for choice. Judgment is a choice and we can choose again. Nothing is permament except what we make it as so.
Is today the day to stop making you wrong?
Is now the time to become your own best friend?
Truly, you are not alone. You have YOU.
...If you choose to be it.